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Jun 06, 2023

I’m giving up on Waitrose

The middle class won’t put up with a supermarket that cares more about

The middle class won't put up with a supermarket that cares more about ‘values’ than stocking its shelves

Civilisations can decline suddenly. Telltale signs of societal collapse include disruption to trade routes, shifts in supply and demand, extreme political dysfunction (sound familiar?), the younger generation deciding they identify as a tortoiseshell cat and demanding to be called "they/them", and nothing in the fruit and veg aisle at Waitrose.

No salad, no apples, no potatoes. Only one lonely item glimmering yellowly on the yards of empty shelves – a Sharon fruit. That was the post-apocalyptic scene that greeted me when I went into our local branch after work on Wednesday. Nothing personal against the Sharon fruit, by the way, except it looks like a Beefsteak tomato got off with a satsuma. Alleged to taste like pumpkin. No thanks. I have never knowingly purchased a Sharon fruit and nor would I if it were the last fruit on Earth, which it now looks like it must be, at least in Waitrose.

What is going on? Is it the Russians? Phillip Schofield? Or has AI decided to begin its mission to eliminate the human race by wiping out the middle classes? If so, Waitrose is the place to start. Reassuringly expensive, the supermarket chain and its John Lewis parent company have replaced the Church of England as the place we go to soothe our souls. Instead of a Communion wafer, there are more than 50 types of loaves – and fishes. They say man cannot live by bread alone, but you could test that hypothesis to destruction in Waitrose, from San Francisco Sourdough to Vogel's soya and linseed.

Waitrose is that deliciously smug place which gives you a feeling that, not only is all well with the world, but by spending lots of money there you are helping to save it. "Responsibly sourced fish? Shore thing!" Such a store cannot afford to have its well-heeled patrons go shopping for dinner, as I did, and find the place looking like it's been looted.

There have been ominous shortages recently which I attributed to people stocking up for the bank holiday. Nothing prepared me, though, for the dystopian scene from an empty, Cold-War-era Polish supermarket. "Not even a cauliflower in Swaffham Waitrose!" wailed one woman on Twitter. Her cries were echoed across the land. Bizarrely, the company made no effort to warn customers on its website that a shopping trip would be fruitless. Quite literally.

I blame Sharon. The chairman not the fruit, that is. Dame Sharon White had no previous retail experience when she assumed control of the John Lews Partnership, and it shows. The place is going downhill faster than a lubed luge.

A former Treasury wonk and head of Ofcom, Dame Sharon stands accused of being more interested in "values" than delivering the goods. Our branch still has those rainbow conveyor belt dividers from last year's Pride. "We don't tolerate any form of prejudice or discrimination and stand in solidarity with the LGBTQIA+ community. We want to continue to embrace all individuals’ talents regardless of age, gender, sex, ethnicity, disability, sexuality, social background, religion and/or belief. It is all of these things that are at the centre of who we are as people."

Terrific! Top diversity points, guys! Any chance of, you know, buying some actual food? Go woke, go broke.

The latest fiasco is attributed to "IT issues" or "computers up the swanee", as a member of staff told me. (Checkout staff at our branch are the nicest people, and deserve better than this chaos.) JLP outsourced its IT services to Indian tech giant Wipro. Perhaps modelled on the remarkable, imaginary NHS IT system? Start by firing the genius who decided to do a major update, without a back-up plan, over a bank holiday.

As I left Waitrose with two lamb cutlets (the last items on the meat counter) and no veg, I was given a £5 voucher to reclaim on any shop over £30. "We’re sorry if we didn't have everything you were looking for today," it read evasively. I’m sorry, sorry is just not good enough. Empty shelves don't lie. A supermarket with no food is not a supermarket. Tolerating the not entirely unpleasant sensation of being lightly ripped off is dependent on Waitrose flattering its clientele that it offers something a bit special; we expect a Rolls Royce not a backfiring moped.

I’m not buying it, Sharon. Not the strange fruit and definitely not the chairman. Beware the revolting middle classes. We are one artichoke heart away from wheeling out the guillotine. Much more of this and Waitrose is Pane Pugliese toast. Me, I’m off to Tesco.